I haven't lost a parent. I can't even give you any advice because thank goodness I don't have that experience. However, I did want to say that I send you a virtual hug and I'm here to listen if needed.

Make sure you keep taking care of yourself through all your challenges. You are no good to anyone if you are not doing well. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Talk to us, we are here to help each other.

Although I have lost both of my parents, I'm sure that each situation is unique to the individual family. I would love to be able to take this grief and burden from you. What I can and will do is pray for you and your family, and be available to buddy chat. I cannot begin to imagine managing depression amidst such loss, and am sad with you. Know that you are never alone!

As Jeanne and Alex have said - know that you are not alone and you can keep talking to us here.

I'm really sorry for your loss and sending you Hugs, Love and Light

Luckily I am not an only child so when we lost my dad there were 4 of us to split up all the demands. It is hard, hopefully you have good friends you can lean on during this difficult time. We are all here for you and you can come here and vent. Sending positive vibes your way! {{{hugs}}}

Jeanne, I thank you so much. To add to the challenges, my mothers lives 2,000 miles away from me. I have told her that I won't give up my 18 year career to move out there (hate that state) and she refuses to move near me. So most everything I try to do has to be done via phone or email. I am very fortunate to have a friend that has been there to help. Without his help (and his wife's) I would have had to move several years ago.

Thulz....thank you!

Lyn, thank you as well. My mothers brothers are in no position to help her either. One has dementia and his wife is his care giver. The other is still working. And....they were never a very close knit family to begin with.

That is a tough situation, Jenn!

Yesterday was another mini crisis for my mom. She had decided 2 weeks ago to move out of her current assisted living place to another as she was unhappy with the assistance she got (or wasn't getting when she thought she should). She said she was told by some aids at her current place that they left the "new" place to come here. She has a bias (read that prejudice) against black workers. She complains that most of the aids are black. She lives near Milwaukee and that is an area with a large black population. (No offense intended, but I've always called people of African descent blacks.) Now she is scared to move and has canceled her vacate notice. I have told her she can't even talk about moving again for at least 6 months.

I believe her distress and grief of losing my dad made her make a rash decision to move and that's why I gave her a 6 month no move limitiation. I want her to be more emotionally stable before trying to move again.

Thinking of you Jenn.

I have lost both of my parents. My sweet mother died 10 years ago yesterday. I am from a very large family and lived in the same area as her.... as do my sisters and brother. I agree that your situation is unique. Set up as much automatic stuff as you can so that your burden is lifted. If you have someone who lives there by her, that really does help. If that isn't enough, can you hire someone to just be your "go between"? I do that for a woman here who doesn't seem to have the support she needs. Whatever comes, know that this is a safe place to come and vent and be real. No one here judges and it's a great source of support. Hugs.

I am so lucky to have someone I consider a brother that lives near her. He, and his wife, have been so supportive of my parents these last 3+ years. He will take her shopping for lunch meals and takes her to appointments.

Even so, this is really my responsibility as her only child. It's a struggle some days to be patient with her.

Patience is a toughie for me at times as well, along with gentleness and self control.

I was taught by my parents to respect my elders. That includes parents, any adult older than me, people of authority. As a result I could NEVER talk back to my parents. Even now, I can't really talk to my mother the way I want to. If I did, she would cut me off entirely. I can't take the risk since she has cut so many others out of her life already.

I really want to tell her how rude she is. How she is a bully and pushed my dad to his limits often. How she always criticized him and made him feel like he was failing in caring for her. He gave up his passion to care for her, and all she did was complain and make him miserable for trying to care for her.

But I can't, and that weighs heavily on me. It creates angst and anxiety within me. I'm working to find a counselor to help with my depression and these issues that I can't avoid.

Thanks for being here to "listen" as I have few in person friends now.

Im not a therapist but may I suggest while waiting to find a suitable one,
to write detailed letters to your mother...pen to paper... telling her exactly how you feel. Every last gory detail. And then burn them. You repeat this process as many times as needed.

There's been numerous studies and books written about how using a pen on paper helps release the pent up thoughts and anger and feelings swirling in your brain.

I can liken it to seeing a complex mathematical problem that you can't solve in your head until you put pen to paper and all of a sudden you've got clarity.

I agree with what Thulz is saying 100%. It really can be cathartic.

I will try this again. Typically when I try this all it does is bring up more anxiety as I keep remembering more and more that we clashed over.

I am NOT the daughter she wanted. I am NOT girly, frilly, or high maintenance. I am my father daughter, and as such a disappointment to her in my own way. She has NEVER respected me as an adult unless it suits her needs. She has always found ways to make me feel inferior, even when I was out there getting their life on track with all the changes that happened these last 3 years.

I won't bore you all with the details, but suffice it to say that if I hadn't gone out when she had her first stroke, they would have lost the house that year (they had been in the house since 1972).

She manages to make me feel like a child

You are exactly the daughter she NEEDED! And I'm willing to bet that even if she never lets you know it, she loves you and is impressed by you. Some people can never show that side, and they pick and complain because they think they are helping to improve you. My mom is like this, she can be harsh, my dad was my soft space to fall. Mom...she's a bit more difficult. LOL But I do know she loves me, she had it rough growing up and she does not show love like others, but it's there.

Thanks Lyn. That sounds very similar.